Each conversation has three conversations:

1) What happened. This is the factual aspect of a conversation. What events occurred? Who was involved? What problems resulted? Discover the plot of the story, which drives the conflict.

2) Feelings. Investigate the emotional footprints. Communication leaves behind tracks that indicate a person’s identity. In conflict, it’s easy to overlook emotions, but pay attention to them because the “what happened” conversation cannot occur until the feeling one does.

3) Identity. Difficult conversations are difficult because they question one’s identity. Is he good enough? Can I be loved? What internal conversations are taking place? Do not control another’s reaction. Also, adopt an “And Stance”. Reject nothing and accept everything.

“Managing all three simultaneously may seem hard,” writes Stone, Patton, Heen, and Fisher, “but it’s easier than facing the consequences of engaging in difficult conversations blindly.”

Learning Conversations

Underlying each conversation is the idea of a learning conversation. You must move from knowing everything, focusing on self-expression, and being right to exploring the other person’s point of view, listening to others, and acknowledging you can be wrong.

Learning, expression, and problem-solving is another part of the Difficult Conversations book. It takes two people to disagree so you cannot have destructive conflict when you follow these lessons.

With this brief checklist, it doesn’t matter if someone is unaware of these principles because your openness to clarify and raise an issue leads to effective problem-solving.